Little Good Girls Gone Bad...

First High School Musical's Vanessa strips down for the camera and now Seventh Heaven's Mackenzie Rosman follow suit?! Is this the new "it" thing for TV really really sickeningly sweet girls to do?! Say it aint so!

(p.s. I REFUSE to put up the NSFW pictures!!!)

Mona Lisa Smile!

Britney seems happier these days and I must say, sorta cute too! Could it be that her lawyer has told her she has nothing to worry about in her custody battle?

or

Has cousin Allie just pointed to a picture of a fat and drunk Justin Timberlake and Britney is over come with happiness that she isnt the ONLY Mickey Mouse Clubber to go down hill?

OR.....

Is she thinking to herself...I CAN TOTALLY fit into this dress!!

Let’s Talk About….

Do you really really want me to recap this week’s episode?! I mean it was SO boring! Alas…I will if you want, please, please, up off the floor, your incessant begging is embarrassing me.

Before I start, I must ask…is anyone else longing for the days of Kristen Cav and LC?! Even a little Jessica or even Kendra would be welcoming right now. These girls just don’t have it, the bitch and ho factor is just not there, no rapper would have anything to say about these girls.

Chrissy starts us off by telling us that she wants to somehow in a “sly” way get Clay to hang out with her, so her and Sasha decide that a BBQ with the four of them is totally sly and he wont see anything coming…and its not awkward. Wow…Chrissy is good! He will definitely think that this is a party that the two of them just happen to be at…with no one else!


Meanwhile, Allie and Clay are going on a date…where they go mini golfing, does Allie have a season pass to the miniature golf course or something? Or is there really nothing to do out in Newport Harbor? The date is…uneventful…to say the least…so I will spare you and I won’t say anymore!

Unfortunately Chrissy underestimated Clay’s intelligence because the first thing he says when Grant tells him that they invited them is, “just the two of us, I don’t know.” And he is IMMEDIATELY uncomfortable! Oh I get it, it’s that Newport Harbor lingo I don’t get again at work, “Sly” must mean “obvious” and it must be next to “Funner” in the Newport Harbor Dictionary.

Chrissy eventually gets wind of the “date” and is not a happy camper. Did anyone else see a glimmer of joy in Sasha’s face when she tells her? Will bitchiness prevail, or is this just me seeing something that I WANT to see? Who am I kidding there was nothing there but a faint reflection of my hope for this season to be as good as seasons past. (I almost miss Came!!)

Chrissy has her BBQ, and Clay shows up. After they are “Sly-lee” left by the rest of the partygoers (note: I am using the word sly as they would in Newport, for those of you who are having a hard time following as I was throughout this whole episode please read this translation: After all of Chrissy friends leave the room in such an over obvious way Clay and Chrissy are left to their awkward conversations.”) Clay starts off every conversation the same and today he doesn’t let me down when he asks, “Are your parents home?” This boy is obviously petrified by Chrissy’s father! They have such a painful conversation which leaves me wondering why either of them actually wants to date the other since they will then be in for a life time of conversations that go a little like this, “So.”…..”So!”…. “Yeah.”…. “Yeah!” It’s PAINFUL PEOPLE PAINFUL! However at the end of the conversation they have somehow come to a conclusion that they can “get past all of this”. (At that moment I checked to see if I blacked out, because no way did they say more than 8 words to each other, how did they get to a conclusion? I might have to see a doctor about this!) They hug and make up and all is right in Newport again!

…or is it?! Allie is still pining for Clay and now it seems as though Chrissy has him…so I guess the logical step would be for her to patch things up with one time long lost love Chase…and predictably so she does…I think….cause I am not really sure what their conversation really amounted to either!

Before this, Allie and Fallie go on Allie's father’s boat and I have no idea what the point of this scene was.

Clay finally grows a set, calls Chrissy and asks her out on a real date! The fact that they both like swordfish and Mahi Mahi means that they are perfectly compatible and I think that they will get married! But will they go to prom together? (Wait…prom? For some reason I thought it was already summer and they were out of school…apparently not!) Clay asks Chrissy if she is excited for prom and you can almost see her face light up and her heart grow three times bigger. Immediately following this we see her heart explode when Clay says, he doesn’t know who he will ask to prom…Nice set up Clay…bring up her hopes then drop them back down again. He then asks her who she was thinking of going to prom with…her heart now repairs itself and grows again….and then is once again let down when he responds to the same question with, “I don’t know, someone who I have fun with.” Which was sort of cute since she said that, but at the same time you could tell he was trying to make her think he would ask her but then he was trying to be cool and make her think he had tons of options as well. At this point, her heart shatters, explodes and implodes all at one time; however you would never know when you look at that stepford wife smile of hers!

Then they kiss, and I am supposed to be excited but instead I am not…since they are BOTH BORING! I mean should I be excited that they did something that 5th graders can bring themselves to do everyday, yet it took them months?!





What can I say? Offer me a free iPhone and you will get a MUCH better recap and I can fake my excitement about as much as these girls do on the show next time!!

Let’s Talk About

and

Really nothing else in this episode was as memorable as Spencer Pratt’s facial hair so this post will be named after him. Way to go Spencer, you made it into my heart for about .2 seconds!

Why Spencer decided that this was a good look for him, I cannot even begin to fathom, however I can come up with a few scenarios as to WHY he would grow such a monstrosity on his chin:

1. Spencer, having just finished watching 300 instead of reading about the history of Sparta for his Greek History class, decided he would look totally badass as a Greek God…He was wrong.

2. Spencer is not actually 23 as he continuously claims to be, but instead is only 18. He realizes that with a beard he will have an easier time buying beer when he hands the clerk at the liquor store his ID that boasts the name McLovin…this also was a mistake on his part.

or

3. Spencer has a huge zit and his proactive solution hasn’t come in yet so he grew the beard to cover up the unsightly growth. (The last batch was eaten by Heidi’s dog Bella which like acne, mysteriously disappeared!)

Regardless, I was THRILLED when it was gone the next time we saw him. Now on to bigger problems…Heidi and Spencer seem to be leaving me with a feeling of disconnect after their return from Colorado. Now maybe this is because Spencer truly is “working”, but somehow I clearly doubt that. Their conversation is forced and uncomfortable to watch and seems to revert back to Audrina/Spencer/Heidi days when he pretty much blows Heidi off throughout the entire conversation. Not even the promise of Don Antonio’s (where he took both girls on a date in Season 2) can cheer McGrumpyPants up. So Heidi moves on to breakfast with Jenn Bunny where we are met with an even MORE awkward conversation. Not only am I pretty sure these two cannot be friends without alcohol, Brody or Lauren being involved, but I am also pretty sure they both might have eating disorders as all I saw was a lot of pushing around of food and not enough eating of it.

Remember last week when Spencer said that Lauren was a selfish little girl that wanted Heidi all to herself? And then he did that AWFUL impression of her? Well, clearly he doesn’t have a mirror because if he did he would realize that this jealously and animosity that he is dishing out towards Brody is a THOUSAND times worse than how he thinks Lauren was. While “working”, Spencer is interrupted with a phone call from Brody, who would like to know why he has been ignoring him. (Oh…in case you aren’t a huge fan of the show, let the record show…Spencer and Brody, although Spencer is making it seem this way…are NOT dating.) Spencer says he has “nothing to say to him.” And then goes on to say a whole lot…mostly about how he doesn’t like that Brody is "rolling" with Enemy #1, and how Brody has no loyalty towards him and blah, blah, blah. He ends the conversation by strategically hanging up his iPhone before letting Brody give him a logical response, because logic has no place in Spencer Pratt’s world.

Audrina, who shocked me last week by deciding to be done with Justin-Bobby-Sometimes Justin-Sometimes Bobby after he deserted her ONCE AGAIN (because leaving her in Vegas wasn’t deal breaking enough) decided to shock me this week by going out to dinner with him. Hmmm…she really knows how to make a point, huh? JB-SJ-SB tells Audrina “when you have a good thing it doesn’t make sense to go and ruin it with labels.” I think he is right, I mean like when soldiers are in Iraq fighting for democracy…why go and ruin it and label it a war? Or like when there is a huge storm heading into America, why ruin the excitement and label it as a category 5 storm?! I think we all learned a valuable lesson here…Labels are for losers who don’t like to be informed as to what type of situation they are in.

At the end of the day all anyone needs to get themselves back on track after a break-up or a bad dinner date is the Roosevelt Hotel Pool…where Lauren goes EVERY Sunday. (LA-ers…start your stalking now!) So the gang (Lo, LC, Aud, Frankie and Brody) all meet at the famed summer hot spot and discuss the week. Audrina says she is taking a little break from JB-SJ-SB for now which we can all be sure means they will be dating again next week. Brody talks about how upset he is that Spencer broke up with him but that he was happy that Frankie was there to pick up the pieces. And finally we find out that Brody and Lauren had a sleepover the night they went to his condo and we think there might be more than meets the eye to this whole situation, but Lauren, emotions cloaked behind her sunglasses, is giving up nothing.


Stayed tuned when next week Lauren will be $15,000 richer for doing nothing, and I will be no richer for busting my butt!

Let’s Talk About…

Even though I am in a bad mood today, and Newport Harbor aired a week ago, I will still stay true and recap last week’s episode. (Mainly because Jen’s sister Casey would like me to and I must please my people!) So here it goes!

We begin this weeks (although it was really last weeks) episode with my favorite couple, Taylor and Chase, with Taylor asking a very seemingly innocent question. Apparently asking to see Chase’s phone is something that sets him over the edge and he starts whining about how he is overwhelmed with the whole girlfriend thing and that he is tired of her always checking up on him, etc. Meanwhile he doesn’t even give Taylor a chance to tell him why she wants to see the phone…maybe she wanted to play Tetris or something…GEES Chase, way to freak out!

Well…regardless of my desire to keep Tay around, Chase decides that they need a break. How can he be tired of her already she has only been on the screen TWICE so far! I guess in Newport Harbor that’s like an eternally long relationship. Oh well, the ax has been dropped!

Moving on to my FAVORITE part of the night, white guys rapping in a car…wait for it, SHIRTLESS! I mean, what is more badass than that?! HOOOOOOOT!! (Someone must be taking pimping lessons from Isaac on the Real World.) After the never elected Mayor and Clay rock out they move on to a more serious matter, the homeless population in Newport Harbor and how to combat this problem. Oh…wait…no that wasn’t it; sorry I must have mistook this conversation for Bootylicious! The actual topic: What type of girl Grant likes. Now this may come as a shock to you, but he likes little blond cute girls who can shake it! HOLY CRAP!! “That sounds like Taylor,” says Clay. Uh…yeah and every other girl in Newport Harbor OTHER than Fallie…although she is quite short and she does like to shake it as well, so yea…EVERY GIRL CLAY….EVERY GIRL! However, MTV has clearly set the stage for these two to hook up so I go with it, you know why? ‘Cause that’s how I roll!”

Now….which percentage of American’s think that Fallie is the smartest girl in Newport Harbor….90%-100%? Oh sorry you lose the $100,000; America actually thinks that Sasha is the smartest girl in Newport Harbor. Well, actually I think that she is, but I can count as America can’t I? I came to this conclusion when Chrissy asks Sasha, “Guess who came to my house today??” Sasha wasn’t having any part of this stupid guessing game when she simply answered “Chase.” Hoooooow did you know Sasha?!! (Clearly Chrissy is either thinking that she can bank in on her friends newly found ESP powers or she is already setting up the burning stake and making posters that say, “WITCH” on them.) Sasha quickly dashes all hope of a money making scheme when she answers, “I saw his car in your driveway!” NO WAY would Fallie put those two things together! Clearly Sasha IS the smartest girl in Newport Harbor!

Chase takes his space from Tay in the very unique way of calling her the day after their “break”. Looks like someone OTHER than Taylor is checking in! Then he calls again….then he calls again….and then he calls again. All the while he is either driving around in his car stalking her and trying to find her, or MTV’s clever editors have just shown the same scene three times in a row.

Taylor…who is on a date with the Mayor clearly cannot answer the phone…it would be rude and might cost him votes in the next election! Chase retaliates with the non-answering phone behavior by going over to Chrissy’s house, and we begin to wonder if Chrissy really is that pure girl that MTV makes her out to be…

Meanwhile at Casa de Clay….Clay calls Chrissy, gets her voice mail and hangs out with his dog. Too little too late playa!
Chrissy tells the Mayor in confidence that she hooked up with Chase and begs him not to tell Clay…yeah good job Chrissy don’t you know ANYTHING about politics?! Grant runs over to Clay and dishes like all good gossiping girls do! Clay…pretty much cries and at one point I am pretty sure he is about to throw up on the side of his pool!

In another awkwardly set up moment brought to you by MTV, Chrissy and Taylor just happen upon each other in a store. The exchange at first is painful when we realize this might be the “day after,” however, Taylor is so cool that she is okay with Chrissy hanging out with her ex boyfriend. I equate this reaction with one of two things, 1) She is saying it is okay because she hooked up with Grant last night and knows that she has no leg to stand on if she decides to make an issue out of this or 2) She is aware of how boring Chrissy is and realizes this girl poses no threat. Regardless of what her reasoning is, the two become fast friends and decide to crash the boys’ poker night. This turns out well for Taylor who is instantly showered with love from Grant, but it backfires for Chrissy who engages in a “who can look more miserable” contest with Clay all night long!
The Newport Harbor boys once again prove to me that they too watch The Hills when Chase decides to have a conversation with Taylor about her cheating ways in his car. (Please take this moment to remember a certain, “well then...I say...get out of my car” moment between Heidi and Spencer in Season 2 of The Hills!) They talk about how Chase is hurt that she went out with Grant seeing as she cheated on him with Grant before, she says something like “we were on a break”. (Either that or I flipped to Friends for a second, it’s hard to tell when real life mimic’s TV so closely) and then he tells her he is done and ushers her out of the car. Nothing else after that was too interesting except for the fact that the kids of Newport Harbor keep using the word “slew” and unfortunately it hasn’t gone the way of Bootylicious yet and I can't look it up anywhere so I have no idea what it means! Then we have yet another awkward moment between Clay and Chrissy and it makes me yearn for those days when I, in high school, would too ask a question with such a blatantly obvious answer when Chrissy asks a basketball playing Clay what he is doing and he asks a bike riding Chrissy what she is doing. You might be surprised to find out…the answers to those questions…WERE in fact basketball and bike riding. Oh to live in the simpler days of high school again!